Damn I feel like I need to rant.

I have to say I don't have any huge pressing issues. Sure I have lots of stupid ass little things. Oh wait! Speaking of little things, here is a rant; fricken kids.

1. I know your ass isn't wearing those flipflops or swimshoes any time in the next 8 months get that shit off the shoe rack and put it in your room. Sheesh.

2. You know why it takes you so long to empty the dishwasher? Because you take everything out of the dishwasher and put it on the counter before putting it away. WHY DO YOU DO THAT?! That is DUMB. You are adding a middle-man. You are creating more work. This is why it takes you 20 minutes to do a 5 minute job.

3. Hi, it's me mom. You see all the shit I pulled out from under your dresser and bed and threw in the middle of the floor? Then I told you to go clean your room? Yeah that's the shit I mean that you're supposed to pick up. You're not supposed to shove it back under the furniture I just removed it from. That just pisses me off. Don't poke the goddamn bear.

4. You're really cute and pretty and I like what you've done with your hair. However, now that you're doing your hair do you think you could take the .015 seconds of your life and maybe flip it out of your shirt collar? Yeah I've mentioned that to you before remember? It makes me want to punch the back of your head when I see that. Yeah I won't, but still know I'm thinking about it, ok?

5. When we are dishing out food at dinner and you grab a dish or ask for something do you really think it's incredibly necessary to hoard it all around you when you're finished? I know maybe you might want more, but sometimes in real families that have a clue they take a portion and then perhaps pass it along to another person at the table. This is really a neat notion as family can actually discuss things about their day rather than spend the entire meal asking for the salt or to pass the potatoes.

6. Do you ever notice how there is a full feeling as your bladder is filling up? Like once it starts to get towards the top you might want to stop and perhaps empty said bladder. If not, the urine starts to flow through the little body canals and come out your urethra. I know that you wait until it is dripping before you start for the bathroom, that is the reason you piss your pants more often than grandma. On a good day your bulldozing your way through the house and knocking animals and small children out of the way might work for you, but really is that a risk you're willing to take every day?

7. Hey you, it's time for bed. We've hugged, we've kissed, we've even discussed the lunch menu for tomorrow, now please just leave me alone. I love you dearly. I would skin a mountain lion with my bare nails for you, but right now I just want to sit in my bedroom, eat the candy I hide from you and have sex with my husband without having to say, "GET AWAY FROM MY DOOR". Do you think we could work on that? You fell out of bed, pissed the bed or have an open wound, sure feel free, until that happens do you think we could exercise some discretion? One of these days you're going to see or hear something you don't want to and really wish you would have listened to your mother.


There I feel better. Thanks for that.